October 8, 2026
Thursday, October 8
How can we make things right with someone we’ve offended? Jesus didn’t make this optional in Matthew 5;21-26. It’s more important to God than our Sunday worship. Tim Keller’s instructions are to start with confessing fully, with no excuses, qualifications, or accusations. Just lay our souls bare. But don’t stop there. Next, we…
Listen well. After you’ve confessed all, say, “Is there anything I missed? Anything I am misunderstanding about what I’ve done to you? Please tell me what else has hurt you or has hurt our relationship.” By “listen well,” I mean: Don’t interrupt. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t object. Don’t say, “But here’s why I did that” or “Can’t you understand why I was mad?” This part is going to be very, very hard. You’re likely to hear some truly hurtful things about yourself. And because they’re upset, they’re likely to say them in an unkind way. They might exaggerate. They might misinterpret or misremember things. But by keeping your mouth shut and listening well, you show them that you care more about your relationship with them than your own ego.
On the other hand, they might say nothing. They might not trust you enough. They might think you’re just trying to manipulate them. Respect their decision. Let them know, “Whenever you’re ready to tell me what I’ve done wrong, I’m ready to listen.” Then leave them alone.
I have—sad to say—a very checkered history in marriage counseling situations. Partially, this is because I am not a trained therapist (I learned long ago to refer couples to a professional). But also, it seems nearly every couple who came to me for help weren’t really interested in listening. I don’t mean they refused to listen to me. I mean they refused to listen to each other.
Here’s how it typically went: One person initiated counseling, but it quickly became clear that their motive wasn’t reconciliation with their spouse. They simply wanted to be heard. They felt deeply aggrieved, and wanted some third party—me—to hear all the terrible things their spouse was guilty of. They wanted, in short, for me to agree with them that their spouse needed to change. Which, to be honest, was in every instance the truth. The problem was, the spouse who initiated counseling wasn’t willing to listen to any—I repeat, ANY—feedback about how they themselves could improve.
As for the other spouse, they showed up because it was required. They didn’t want to hear critique, either. Their attitude was, “I showed up. And I’ll do some exercises that the pastor gives us. But I’m not changing until you do.”
Again, I am no trained marriage counselor, but here is what I am dead-certain about: The only way a struggling marriage gets better is if at least one party says, “Show me what I can do to make things better between us, and I’ll do it.” Even if it’s only one person, their desire to listen well can eventually wear down the resistance in the other.
That’s true of all relationships, not just marriages.
“Lord, I admit that I would rather not hear how I’ve offended someone else. But create in me the humility to put myself in their shoes, to feel the pain that I have caused. Teach me to listen. In your name, amen.”
Senior Pastor
First Baptist Conroe
More from Pastor Jeff at his website: jeffbergerwriting.com
