October 1, 2026
Thursday, October 1
Jesus, in Matthew 18:15-17, gives us a second instruction in reconciling with others:
Seek to win the person, not the argument. Yesterday we saw that, even if we consider ourselves the wounded party, God still expects us to take the initiative in making things right (“go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone”). But why? Not so that they will feel guilty, but according to v. 15: “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” This isn’t about putting your opponent on blast, embarrassing them in front of others, or filling them with a sense of shame. You need to make sure that your motive is to win them back, not to win an argument. That’s why it’s necessary to do four things when confronting someone:
First, be sure you’ve truly forgiven what they’ve done before you confront them. It’s also necessary to pray beforehand. Pray that the Spirit would give you the right words. Pray He would help you maintain your temper, even if they respond badly. Pray that He would prepare their hearts and help them be receptive to what you have to say.
But even then, notice that Jesus says approach them privately. Don’t call them out in front of a group of mutual friends or co-workers. Don’t post about it on social media. Don’t tell all your friends about it first. Go to them personally. And do it face to face.
These instructions are even more critical in a time when we’ve let our devices rule our lives, to the point we no longer know how to have real conversations. If your heart is right—having forgiven them and prayed ahead of time--they will know it by your facial expressions and tone of voice, making it much more effective than a text message or an email. Years ago, my wife had a friend who asked her, “Are you mad at me?” Carrie was surprised. She had no thought of being angry with her friend, and told her so. But the friend explained that whenever Carrie texted, she never used any exclamation marks or emojis, so her words “read” harshly. I thought that was hilarious. I could just imagine two men having the same conversation: “Dadgum, Earl, could you just throw in a smiley face once in a while so I know you ain’t mad at me?” But it was a great reminder that when we send a message in print, people read into that message whatever they fear is true. If they’re afraid we’re mad, they’ll read it as cold and angry. But face to face, there are fewer misunderstandings.
One more thing: Approach them repeatedly. Don’t look at this as a checklist. “Step one: I confronted them. Nothing changed, so I’m moving on to step two.” If our desire is to win the person, not the argument, we’ll be willing to have multiple conversations, even uncomfortable ones. In my opinion, only when they are unwilling to meet with you anymore should you move on to the next step.
“Lord, if there is someone I need to confront, please grant me the words to say. Cleanse my heart of any bitterness, so that I know I’m seeking to win them over, not shame them. Let this become my pattern whenever someone hurts me. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Senior Pastor
First Baptist Conroe
More from Pastor Jeff at his website: jeffbergerwriting.com
